Shattered

I went out last night. And now I have so many things in my head...

"You were never there for me"

You think I don't care? Do you know how far I live? Do you think I like the feeling of not knowing anything? Whenever I'm with you guys, I feel out of place. I feel like you guys don't know me anymore and I don't know you guys anymore too. Do you think I love that feeling? As much as I would like to always be with you guys, I can't. I have so many responsibilities and obligations in life. Do you know how much I care about everything around me? I don't like people getting hurt. I hate seeing people suffer. Kahit mga taong walang kinalaman sa buhay ko, pinapakialaman ko. Yung bata at matandang nanlilimos sa kalye? Iniiyakan ko. Kung pwede lang lahat ng problema sa mundo kaya kong solusyunan, gagawin ko. Hindi lang problema ko at problema ng mga mahal ko sa buhay ha? Take note. Problema ng buong mundo. That's how much I care. Pakialamera ko noh? Sometimes gusto kong hindi mag care kasi nakakaloka. Minsan pag nag-iisip ka mag-isa, maprapraning ka na lang eh... Sasampalin mo ang sarili mo para magising "hoy! utang na loob! wag mo nang isipin yan!" Hay nako Phoebe, nakakainis ka!

"Why do you always want someone to accompany you? Can't you do it alone?"

I can do things alone you know? Do you know how long I've been by myself? I have been alone my whole life! I'm seldom with you guys. I don't understand why manlalambing na lang ako sa pamamagitan ng pagpapasama, magagalit pa kayo. Ayaw nyo ba ako samahan? Do you guys hate me? Do you know tired I am of being alone? Do you know how I feel when I'm alone? Feeling ko lahat ng mata nakatingin sa akin. Pinagtatawanan ako. Kinikutya ako. I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I'm being reduced to a teensy weensy speck. As if I'm not small enough noh? Kaya gusto ko sana ng may kasama. Kapag may kasama ka, mahirap kang pagtawanan. Hindi ka nila basta basta i-ju-judge dahil lang sa nakikita ka nilang mag-isa. At... kapag may kasama ka, hindi mo na papansinin ang mga iniisip nila kasi may makakausap ka diba? Bakit ko gustong may kasama? Simple! Pag may kasama ka, hindi ka nag-iisa. Makakalimutan mo for a while na single ka... since birth! Diba? Simple joy na para sa akin ung may kasama akong naglalakad, bumibili, tumatambay.

***
Alam nyo ba yung feeling na buong buhay pinapanood kayo? Yung konting galaw mo lang napapasin na? Maliit na mali mo lang big deal na. Ako kasi, I always feel that. Feeling ko lahat ng tao malaki ang expectation sa akin. Ako mismo, malaki ang expectation sa sarili ko. Hate yung nagkakamali ako. Feeling ko, konting mali ko lang, may mga taong nadidisappoint sa akin. So I get disappointed at myself na din. Hate ko talaga yun! Alam ko hindi ako perfect. Wala naman perfect eh. Pero as much as possible, I don't want to do anything wrong. Pag nagkamali ako feeling ko sobrang bobo ko as if. Stupid to the next level. Lalo na kung may maga-po-point out sa akin. Lalo na pag madami nang pumapansin. Lalo na pag madami nang tumatawa o natutuwa o nagagalit sa pagkakamali ko. Doon ako sobrang nanliliit. Kapag mag-isa ako, at nagkamali ako, doble doble ang disappointment at kahihiyan na nararamdaman ko.

***

"You've been single your whole life because you're like that"

Oh yes my dear, I'm like this. This is me. This is what I have to offer. As much as I would like to think that my being single is a choice, there are times when I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Do you have to rub it in? I know you are heart broken. Many people in the world experience that. Yes, I haven't but I've heard of stories from people whose hearts have been broken. I have an idea of how you are feeling right now. You feel low. Feeling mo sobrang kawawa mo. May konting self pity. Pero don't you want to recall all the things that happened between you? What might have gone wrong? Maaaring hindi lang sha ang may pagkukulang. Madalas, gusto natin sisihin ang mga tao sa paligid natin kasi ang katotohanan ay tayo ang may mali. Sometimes, we just have to admit to ourselves that we might have been at fault. Mahirap but there's no harm in trying naman eh. The truth is hindi ka kawawa kung maging heart broken ka man. You are so lucky. I actually envy you! Hindi ko sinasabing maganda maging heart broken pero look at the bright side. You felt loved. You have loved. Sabi nga diba "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That's why you are lucky!

Alam mo kung sino ka. Yes my friend, I am pertaining to you. You are one lucky girl! You belong to a complete family. You got all the attention you need. You got friends who support you all the way. A lot of people like you. You usually get what you want. And most especially, you (have) love(d).

Napakaswerte mo! Minsan nakakainggit pero masaya ako talaga parasa iyo. Peksman! Cross my heart. Pramis!

Kaya napakasakit ng mga salitang binitiwan mo sa akin... sa harap ng mapakaraming tao... na nagtinginan, nakinig, at nagreduce sa akin to a single teensy weensy speck.

Ganun na pala ako para sa iyo.

Sorry. Pasensya na. Tao lang po ako.

Alam ko gasgas na gasgas na ang salitang ito lalo pa at asa akin naggaling pero...

SORRY

And it's from the bottom of my heart.

(This is how "Para kay B" has affected my way of thinking... and writing... at hindi ko pa tapos basahin ang librong iyon... but that's another story...)